For those of you who are reading this series for the first time today, "Ask the Dead Guy" is my weekly series where you future brain donors ask the questions and the Dead Guy (Me) answers them. If you missed last week's question and answer session you can find it here.
So if you have some burning question that isn't contagious and require a series of shots with extremely long painful needles then post your question in the comments below, post it on my Facebook wall, send me a private message here at Brain-Donors.Com or you can even email it to me directly at email@example.com. I wasn't kidding about the needles either, so phrase your questions carefully.
I would also like to remind you that this series requires your questions in order to continue, so be sure to get your questions in no later than 9am EST every Monday if you want them answered the following week. If I don't get the four questions I need, well bad things happen. Really bad things, and those bad things normally involve kitten cruelties.
You should know that the question vault is now officially empty, and while you cheated me from tasting the Kidkitcon this week, I will most assuredly be feasting on one next Monday if you don't start getting your questions to me ASAP. As some of the more veteran readers already know, I ain't joking about this shit.
Speaking of shit, now that all that shit is out of the way, let's get on with this week's question and answer session. This week's first question comes to us from our own Happily Undead@Brain-Donors. HU asked, " Mister Cantankerous, with Summer coming I was wondering how Zmbies spend their summer and stay cool? Do they swim? I was under the impression that they did not know how to swim."
I personally am not a "water person" per se but I do like to spend my time near bodies of water with bodies in them when the weather gets warmer. Sure I can't swim, not because I don't know how, but rather that my coordination when it comes to maintaining buoyancy leaves much to be desired. That said, I can do the "Dead Man's" float which I covered way back in "Ask the Dead Guy" No. 2. If you missed it you can find it here.
Now back to those bodies of water with bodies in them. One of the things I enjoy most about the Summer months is the fact that you brain donors out there start shedding clothing like a raven that's moulting. It all just starts coming off in heaps and layers, and from where I am sitting that is a very good thing. Less clothing means more surface area to put the bite on, so to speak.
The great thing about pools, oceans, and lakes is that you brain donors wear next to nothing when you go into them, and while I may not be able to swim out to you and eat you, I can wait. Let's face it you eventually have to come out, and time is and shall always be on my side. While I am not a big fan of prunes, I won't mind if you get a bit pruney before I chow down on you. You have my word on that.
Our next question comes from our own Joe Deathwalker@Brain-Donors. Joe asked, "Mister Cantankerous, if you turned Stan Lee into a zombie, do you think he would continue his comic book writing? If so, would you hurry up and do it already so we don't lose him. he is getting pretty old."
Your devotion to comic book legend Stan Lee is admirable, but your question naturally begs another question; "Have you not taken a good look at him lately?" I mean I have no idea how old you think Stan is, but I can assure you he won't be getting any older anytime soon.
While I don't want to be known for telling tales out of school, I think you can clearly understand what I am getting at here. It's absolutely amazing what the right lighting and a good makeup artist can do for a celebrity in the public eye these days. Oh and by the way, Jack Kirby says hello.
Our third question this week comes from Tim Forston@Facebook. Tim asked,"Mister Cantankerous, after the Zombies eat all the people are you going to retire or what?"
The short answer is "or what". Honestly Tim I don't think there will ever come a day when there won't be any people to eat. Face it you brain donors breed like rabbits. Over the centuries you have faced predators that would easily wipe out other species and yet you prevailed. Personally I think there are two reasons behind this phenomenon. First of course is the aforementioned breeding that you brain donors do, and secondly is that you kill stuff better than any other creature on the planet, including us Zombies.
That will undoubtedly be mankind's penultimate legacy, it's ability to kill stuff more effectively than anything else that has ever walked the Earth. Over the course of human existence you have not only created new ways to kill stuff for things like food and protection, but you've made a sport of it.
Trust me if cockroaches ever figure out how to kill stuff in as many different ways as you brain donors can, then you might have met your match. Until then your indelible mark on the eco-system is more or less set in the concrete you build your habitats upon. So long as you keep fucking and killing the way you have since you first climbed down from the trees, there will never be a shortage of brains for us Zombies to dine upon.
Our last question this week comes to us from Rob Long@Facebook. For those of you who have been reading this series for a while now, you'll know that Rob is infamous for posting smart ass questions. Today was no different. Rob asked, "Mister Cantankerous, can you show us a real life picture of yourself?"
I would be more than happy too. Please email the following information to me at firstname.lastname@example.org:
Your Full Name
Your Credit Card Number (including the expiration date and security number on the back)
Your mailing address
Your Mother's Maiden Name
Your Social Security Number
The tracking number from your checking account
The pink slip to your car (signed)
Once we have received this information and have verified that payment has been made in full we will be sure to send you whatever pictures you'd like. I hope that answered your question.
Well folks that's going to wrap it up again for this week. As I said earlier, the question vault is now officially empty, so unless you want to find out what Kidkitcon tastes like next week, I suggest you start submitting your questions as soon as you finish reading this. Be sure to check back in again next Monday for more of your answers....same Zombie Time, same Zombie Channel.
Now you're on your own.