Well I got another story request, and thankfully I don't have to frickin' rhyme in this one, so it should be a lot easier to tell. So gather around Children it's time once again for a story with your old Unkie Cantankerous.
Today's story is one that will teach you what happens when you trust everyone around you, and assume that they are as kind and nice as you are. If you don't know what assume means by all means go ask your Mommy and Daddy what that word means and what happens to people who assume. I am sure they will be happy to explain it to you. Now pay close attention to this story or you might miss out on a very important lesson. And important lessons are important for a reason.
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead. Her head wasn't a pumpkin, so I have no idea why they called her that to be honest. Maybe she was just as silly as a pumpkin on Halloween so that's what the people in her village took to calling her. Your guess is as good as mine Children, but that's what they called her.
Puddy Puddy was a simple girl who enjoyed simple things. When she wasn't frolicking in the forest or singing three part harmonies with the birds in her room she was surfing the evil intrawebz. Of course being the good little girl that she was, Puddy Puddy had no idea just how evil the intrawebz could be. Not until the day she ran across the Evil Queen of FacePlace Land.
See Children Puddy Puddy was Pretty Pretty. Some even dared to say she was the fairest in all the land of FacePlace. Well the Evil Queen caught wind of what people were saying and she wasn't gonna have that! You see Children the Evil Queen based her entire existence on how well liked she was by the peons of FacePlace Land. Without those likes she would dissolve into a puddle of goo pretty much like that Wicked Witch of the Southwest in that other story The Wizzer of Oddz. That story though, is for another time.
Well Children you can imagine this Evil Queen wasn't very happy about how popular pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead was, so she sent out all her sinister sock puppets to attack poor pretty pretty Puddy Puddy and they were pretty pugnacious about it too. Oh my!
Don't worry though Children, while pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead might not have been the biggest pumpkin in this little pumpkin patch, or even the smartest, she knew better than to let such silly things and even sillier people like this get her down. So instead of getting upset she just turned off the evil intrawebz and went and frolicked in the forest, and sang with the birds like she usually would when it was bright and shiny outside. She even ate some ice cream, with a cookie in it. Doesn't that sound wonderful?
Well this infuriated the Evil queen to no end, because let's face it, if you can't force someone into submission with your sinister sock puppets so that you can remain the fairest of all in a place like FacePlace Land, what other recourse do you have other than to nerd rage like a World of Warcraft player who lost the dice roll on some epic purple loot right?
Of course pretty pretty Puddy Puddy was oblivious to all this raging because she was too busy doing other things and having fun frolicking in the forest. Like eating her ice cream. Do you like eating ice cream too?
And that Children is when everything went to hell in a hand-basket, or flower basket as the case may be. You see when pretty pretty Puddy Puddy was all out of ice cream she decided to pick Pansies for the Prom, and before you knew it she had so many pansies for the prom that poor pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead was hard pressed to carry them all home. That is when she came upon the home of the small minded midget men.
Little did pretty pretty Puddy Puddy know it, but these little small minded midget men were very close and callous allies of the Evil Queen of FacePlace Land. You might even call them minions. Children minions are kinda like those Flying Monkeys in that other story I mentioned earlier, except they can't fly, so when you really think about it they really aren't as cool are they?
Puddy Puddy knocked on the door of the little house that the small minded little midget men called home, because she had plenty of pansies in her flower basket and being the good little girl that she was she simply wanted to share them surreptitiously with the first stranger she came across. After all Children, that is what good little girls and boys do. They share the wealth, even with small minded little midget men that live in little houses you find while frolicking in the forest.
Well the door slowly opened, and there was one of the little midget men, and then another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another still. Suddenly pretty pretty Puddy Puddy was knee deep in small minded little midget men. There were seven of them all together. These little small minded midget men looked kind of odd, but pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead couldn't quite poke her finger at what made these pudgy pint sized people seem so different, but different they definitely were. Besides poking would be impolite and pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead was always polite.
"My name is Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead" she said introducing herself, because that was the polite thing to do, and pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead was always pleasantly polite. See Children, I told you she was polite.
"I'm Pus" said the second little man.
"I'm Snot" said the third little man. They went on and on until they were all introduced. There was a little man named Snippy, and another named Snappy, and another named Muck and the last little man was named Mire.
"Would you like to join us for Supper" asked Pus.
"Yes you must stay and join us,:" said Snot.
"Let me get you a chair so you can take a load off " offered Muck.
Well Children pretty pretty Puddy Puddy was pretty pooped from picking pansies for the prom, so she agreed to stay for supper with the seven small minded midget men. It would be impolite to turn down such a sweet albeit sinister sounding offer.
"Most definitely" she said parking her pooped pretty pretty Puddy Puddy butt in the tiny little chair.
"Excellent" said Drippy. "Dig in boys," he continued.
With that all seven of the seven small minded little midget men began to rip pretty pretty Puddy Puddy to pieces. You see Children, because pretty pretty Puddy Puddy spent more time frolicking in the forest picking pansies for the prom as opposed to putting importance on playing in Faceplace Land, she had never seen a Zombie midget before. Heck she didn't even know what a Zombie was, or what they ate for dinner, until she became dinner herself. Zombies eat people you see, and pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead was a pretty polite person, way too polite to push for answers to things she didn't know about. At least she was polite before she got pugnaciously punctured by the puny pudgy Zombie midget men and devoured.
As the seven little small minded Zombie midget men licked up the last bits of pretty pretty Puddy Puddy Pumpkinhead from their polished pinewood floor, the sound of the Evil Queen's laughter could be heard throughout the land. Once again she was the fairest of them all in all of FacePlace Land, or so she thought. That however Children, is yet another story for yet another time.
Children if there is a Zombie Fairy Tale you'd like me to tell at some point in the future, please leave your suggestions in the comment section below. -Mister Cantankerous