Bob is alive once more thanks to your efforts and he and his family both want to express their gratitude for getting those questions in before I was forced to blow his brains out in front of his children. For the record though, he still isn't out of the woods yet, and neither are the cute fuzzy woodland critters either for that matter. So keep those questions coming or things will get ugly come next Monday! As you've no doubt already figured out I am not playing around anymore!
For those of you who aren't familiar with the "Ask the Dead Guy" series, here is how it works; you ask the questions, and the Dead Guy (me) answers them. Yep it's just that easy. If you want to take part all you have to do is post a question here in the comments, on my wall at Facebook, or you can email your question directly to me at email@example.com, and I will post your answers the following Monday. Bob's life depends on it and I mean that when I say it. So without further adieu let's get this week's session hopping!
Our first question this week comes from Mark Dickinson@Facebook. Mark asked, "Mister Cantankerous, say a "donor" has syphilis, does the "consumer" also contract the disease?"
To be honest I don't have a fucking clue! As a rule I don't personally make it habit of eating "skanks" who are likely to have blistering sores, and cankers all over them as the result of bad judgment in the sexual department. I mean put yourself in my shoes, would you eat a steak covered in boils and pus? I would hope not anyways.
That said, even if such were the case it's not like you can make a Zombie "deader" via social disease. I am thinking such a scenario wouldn't matter much to the dead, however if you are talking cannibalism, and let's face it a few months after Z-Day that particular option is gonna have a lot more appeal for some of you, then yeah I am guessing the "consumer" would contract the disease. You are what you eat after all.
Our next question comes from Scott Stutzman@Facebook. Scott asked, "Mister Cantankerous, how much embalming fluid does it take to impede a Zombie? (Romero's Night of the Living Dead got me to thinking)"
First off, let's leave the thinking to someone who knows how to do it right. Face it pal, it clearly isn't your strong suit. You just sit there and make your brain look pretty till we come to collect it. All kidding aside Scott, it may have been a few weeks since I last saw "Night of the Living Dead", but I don't recall there being an "embalming" scene in that movie, so I am not exactly sure how you got to thinking about it as a potential Zombie deterrent. Maybe it was in some sequel I haven't watched in a while.
I've had a lot of different jobs in my life (and afterlife), but fortunately for me being a Mortician wasn't one of them. I am no authority on the subject by a long shot, but isn't embalming fluid used to preserve corpses? If that is the case then how exactly could it impede them? I am thinking if anything it would probably make them somewhat more "agile", and less likely to rot. Seems to me the last thing you want on your hands is an agile Zombie right? I'll tell you what though, I will see if I can get some embalming fluid in the lab and pump Wormwood full of it and get back to you on the results. Fair enough?
Our third question this week comes to us from Kevin V.@Brain-Donors. Kevin asked, "Mister Cantankerous, is there any prime cuts on a brain donor? Who gets to eat it? Is there a hierarchy when it comes to eating or is it "your kill, your meal?"
When it comes to butchering a brain donor, good knife skills are a must. I personally am rather partial to the Occipital lobe. When marinated just right and wrapped in bacon it makes for a real tasty treat. Some like the Frontal lobe, and still others greatly enjoy gorging themselves on Basal Ganglia. Like anything else it is all a matter of personal choice.
Speaking of "choice", it is not as easy to find "choice brain" as one might think. Sure with over 6 billion potential brain donors shuffling around it might not seem so hard, but in this case quality takes precedence over quantity. I personally like my brain "free range" but that isn't exactly easy to come by in most parts of the country. Fortunately for me I keep the secret underground lab in an area that is well known for "free range" brain.
As for who gets what, well let's just say if your hand crosses my plate as I am about to chow down you are likely to get a fork stuck in it, or draw back a stump. When it comes to my food, community be damned. If hunted it down, killed it and prepared it, you can be damned sure I am gonna be the one to eat it too!
Our last question for this week comes from Amanda Rogers@Facebook. Amanda asked, "Mister Cantankerous, since a Zombie doesn't need to breath, and so doesn't smell to locate prey and their eyes begin to decay fairly early what sense are they using to locate 'brain donors'?"
First off let me just say I think it is so adorable that you folks are using the term "brain donors" to refer to yourselves. It is gonna make my life so much easier when Z-day finally comes around. As for the "eyes" thing, not sure where you are getting your info from but I've been dead for well over 40 years and my eyes work just as well as they did the day I pushed up the daisy. Then again, I take better care of myself than most of the horde.
As for what "sense" we use to track prey, I suppose it is more or less an innate ability. I can sense brains the same way a fat kid can sense donuts at a shopping mall, and I am drawn to them just as easily. I have never really stopped long enough to ponder how I do it, I just do it. When I get hungry I just start shambling and as quick as you can say "Bob's your Uncle" I am on the trail of some brains just begging to be savored. There really isn't much more to it than that.
Well that about wraps it up for this week. Bob, Horror Punk, and Happily Undead I have your questions stored and they will be answered next Monday. As for the rest of you, you better get cracking on the questions or a different Bob and some cute fuzzy woodland critters will be in dire peril come next Monday. Same Zombie Time, Same Zombie Channel.
Now you're on your own.