Well I'll tell you what I think, I think that all of you who so elegantly fall under the category of the people I have elected to describe in the title above, can take measures to start putting things right with the world by dying in a fucking fire! And when I say "fucking fire" what I mean to imply is that it is my sincerest and most fondest wish that the next time you engage in sexual fornication with another human being, rather than just yourself or some barnyard animal as is no doubt the norm in your life, it is my greatest hope that you will spontaneously combust, thus ensuring that your genetic material and that of the idiot who was stupid enough to sleep with you is never passed on to further pollute the human race. That's what I think.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you jacktards? Don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about either. I ain't having that shit! Let me speak plainly for those of you who are high on self righteousness but not so high in your education due to home schooling.
"If you see something you don't like on Facebook, stop looking at it Dumbass!"
You have so many available options by which to express your displeasure, none of which I might add involve getting someone else in trouble. You can simply ignore it and move on with your life. You can hide updates from that person from your newsfeed. You can write a well thought out comment expressing the extent of your sexual repression and outrage in the comments below the item. You can write a scathing private message to the author who drew your spiteful ire, so they can laugh at you and then delete it. You can "unfriend" the person who posted it, and I am sure they will neither care nor notice. You can even "unlike" the page you found it on. The point being is you can avoid it in a myriad of ways that don't require you to be a punk ass bitch and report it. The problem is though, you and I both know that isn't what this is all about is it? None of those options quite meet your special kinky needs do they?
See this isn't about you finding something objectionable or offensive. This is all about you trying to eek out some little teensy weensy modicum of self empowerment and self worth in your otherwise pathetically, powerless and insignificant lives. You don't sincerely care what the other person is going on about or truly up to, you are too busy spending 17 hours a day meticulously scanning the walls and pages of Facebook so that you can at last experience that magnificent sexual release you get each and every time you hit that "Report" button. It's the closest you'll ever come to anonymous sex and you are completely and utterly addicted to it. You have your box of tissues in one hand and a printed hard copy of the Facebook codes of conduct in your other, and you are online looking for some action to help stave off your sense of eternal loneliness for yet another day like a serial rapist in a white unmarked van.
I know this, because now I am one of the victims you have anonymously raped in your pursuit of intrawebz self righteousness and kinky sexual perversion. I made the mistake as a Zombie fan of posting this Zombie related picture to the right on Facebook, and it caught your attention. I can only imagine the satisfaction and self importance you felt as you hit that "report" button and dutifully filled out all the required checks and boxes, clearly overstating your outrage and umbrage over the fact that a fine company like Facebook would allow such filth to go unpunished. Then, as you spent the last of your sexual energy hitting the "submit" button and faded into the what some refer to as "the little death", I am sure you experienced some modicum of remorse. Not self remorse, remorse that you waited until the picture was passed on to another twenty pages and walls like a virus before you reported it on mine. That same moment you found yourself likewise extremely titillated knowing that your sexual calendar will now be full for another exciting weekend of Facebook post reporting. So limber up those fingers and ancillary appendages my little puritanical douche-waffle deviate, it's Friday and you have three whole days to start reporting all those unscrupulous bastards who are just minding their own damn business and having some adult fun.
In case you have already forgotten at this point (no doubt you are currently preoccupied looking for a means by which to report this article too and enjoy a "quickie"), should you by some odd chance find yourself spontaneously combusting over the weekend, it is truly my fondest wish that you will remember me as that last brain cell of yours finally succumbs to the flames.
If upon your death you should by some extremely outside chance subsequently find yourself becoming a Zombie, I will gladly provide you or your loved ones with the gun and bullets necessary to put you out of your misery and ours for good. Hell I'll even make sure all the bullets are dipped in the AIDS virus first, just to make the puppy up above happy. See I can be reasonable and accommodating. As for me, I will be back on Facebook within the next 24 hrs doing what I do best, and not giving you so much as a second thought. Sucks to be you huh?
Now you're on your own.
PS: To the regular readers of my blog, please feel free to post a link to this column on your walls, and mine as well seeing as I cannot do it myself for the time being. If you see someone has already posted this article where you intended to post it, then comment on that post instead and spread the word and let Facebook know this BS anonymous adjudication without representation will not be tolerated by it's members. They are looking to go public and a pissed off membership is not something their potential investors want to see.
PSS: If you are a Puritanical Facebook Douche-waffle and happen to be reading this, you needn't feel compelled to post a link to this column on your Facebook page. You can do your part to spread the message by simply dying in a fucking fire. Thank you!