Welcome to another week of "Ask the Dead Guy". The weekly series where you ask the questions, and the Dead Guy (me) answers them. As most of you already know submitting questions every week is something you have to do in order to ensure that Bob and the cute fuzzy woodland critters survive another week, and I can keep bringing you this column every Monday. Bad things happen when I don't get my questions, very bad things. So it's probably best that you don't go out of your way to piss off this particular "Dead Guy". Consider yourselves all forewarned now.
If you want to take part in all the fun that is this column, if you have a burning question that doesn't involve lighting me on fire, or you just want to see your name in print on a Zombie website, then post your questions in the comments below, send them to me in a private message here at brain-donors, post them on my wall over at Facebook, or you can email them to me directly at email@example.com. It is just that easy. So easy even a trained brain donor like you could do it. So do it already, don't make me come hunt you down! Now that that crap is all out of the way, let's see what you future brain donors came up with this week.
Our first question this week comes to us from Evan via his mom Mackena Kristine Lannes@Facebook. Evan asked, "Mister Cantankerous, do you like long pork or bacon better?"
To be totally honest I had no frickin' clue what Long Pork was, so I had to Google it to see if I've actually ever eaten it before. Let's just say I see what you did there Evan, and you can go to sleep tonight knowing that I am hiding in your closet waiting for your Mom to turn off the lights so I can come get a taste of some Evan flavored Long Pork. Sweet dreams Evan!
For those of you like me who have never heard the term "Long Pork" before today, it is a vernacular used mostly by Cannibals to describe Human Flesh. The name is a testament to the fact that most Cannibals feel that human flesh tastes like pork. I have always thought it tasted more like chicken, but when you're dead almost everything tastes like chicken. As a Zombie clearly I have eaten Long Pork on many different occasions, but I have always personally just referred to it as eating "Bob" or "Mary" or "Lance" or "Muffy".
As to which I prefer more, well let's say I am a big fan of both. There is nothing I like better than some Bacon wrapped Long Pork, smothered in brain jam. So what do you think Evan? Do you think I'll enjoy your long pork better than bacon or your brains? I guess we'll find out won't we?
Our second questions this week comes to us from the "Land Down Under", a place considered by most experts to be the best place to ride out the Zombie Apocalypse, namely Australia. Cass Mulgrew@Facebook asked, "Mister Cantankerous, do Zombies ever go dumpster diving at the local hospital medical waste bins?"
While I can't speak for everyone in the horde, I can assure you I am not a big fan of leftovers and sloppy seconds. I prefer my flesh fresh and still steaming when I bite into it. That said when times get tough, one must adapt if one is to continue to enjoy the niceties of life.
I have mentioned this in the past, but just as a reminder, unlike you future brain donors out there my kind does not have to consume nutrients in order to survive. We eat human flesh simply because we enjoy the taste of it. Perhaps it's easier to think of yourselves as walking "Twinkies". Yeah they taste great but they provide no real nutritional value whatsoever and are therefor consumed for no other reason than appeal to our pallet. Wrapped in Bacon and deep fried you future brain donors taste about the same to us as that common American State Fair delicacy.
While I am sure there are those among the horde that are so addicted to the taste of human flesh they will do anything, even dumpster dive to have a taste, I prefer my humans free range and for the time being at least they are not exactly in short supply. I will say this though, I have yet to taste an Australian. So Cass, do you think you'd taste more like Chicken, or more like Koala? Inquiring Zombies want to know.
Our next question comes to us from a gentleman who moonlights as the evil and sinister Amphibian Mad Scientist Dr. Toad. Clearly this is his secret identity. Sorry if I spoiled your secret there old bean. Erik J. Nielsen@Facebook asked, "Mister Cantankerous, what the fuck is Wormwood, and how did he get mixed up with you?"
Since you were so kind and asked, Wormwood is fucking Wormwood. A good for nothing, lazy, miserable excuse for a Zombie minion, and all around whipping boy. To be honest I am not entirely sure where I dug up his various parts, and I suppose at this juncture it really doesn't matter anymore. Every evil genius needs his lackey, and Wormwood is mine. Trust me if I hadn't destroyed the formula when the lab blew up after stitching him together, I would have a much better one. Fact is the little lump of sludge somehow managed to survive the creation process and despite my numerous attempts to kill him, he keeps turning up like a bad penny.
When I am not out killing future brain donors Wormwood is the one constant in my life aside from that insidious lab cat "Mr. Underfoot" who at this very moment is no doubt also planning my ultimate demise. As inept as Wormwood is at basic menial tasks, he does know the difference between brains and Chinese takeout so he therefore has his uses. He has also been a somewhat reliable guinea pig as I test out various formulations of my life's work; the penultimate Zombie virus. A virus I might add that is coming to a neighborhood near you much sooner than you might like.
Our last question this week comes to us via our own Shelly Arnold@brain-donors.com. Shelly asked, "Mister Cantankerous, my question for you is how did you become? I understand the whole process in general in that you passed away and came back to life to walk the earth as an undead person, but what re animated you from the dead process to the zombie process? Peter who works at Monroeville Mall says that “when there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth” and that is the reason. Marion who lives in Berkeley, a small Australian fishing village disagrees with Peter and says that it is cause by aliens from outer space and a comet. Now Burt down at the medical supply warehouse says it is caused by the army and their experiments. He also says he has proof of it in the basement of the ware house. So, Mister Cantankerous what is it or is it something entirely different?"
Holy crap on a cracker that was one fucking long ass question! I can only hope my response is befitting of a question of such magnitude. Congrats! You have now successfully submitted the longest question of any future brain donor that has submitted a question since this series began. You go girl!
For starters I would implore you to stop asking future brain donors for their opinions on how Zombies are made. I mean let's face it opinions are like assholes and every single future brain donor comes equipped with both, it's like standard issue or something. Fact of the matter is unless they are already a Zombie themselves they are talking out of their asses, which probably comes as no great surprise to most.
For those of you who are not already in the know, the Monroeville Mall is where George Romero filmed his movie "Dawn of the Dead". Apparently this Pete character considers the fact that he works at said mall makes him some kind of expert on the subject. Truth is Pete is no more an expert on the subject than the girl hawking cookies for Mrs. Field's in the food court is.
As for Marion, well I think we've heard enough out the Australian contingent for one article. I personally don't eat fish and wouldn't trust the opinion of someone who lives in a village who's main reason for existing is to foist fish on the rest of humanity. Not to mention the fact that if Alien Comets were required to create my kind they sure as shit wouldn't have named the most famous of comets after some schmuck by the name of Halley.
As for this Burt character, he is probably one of those shut in tin foil hat wearing conspiracy types who wants to trick you into going down in the basement so he can size you up for the "Shelly Suit" he has always dreamed of creating. If you intend to go see his "proof" I'd suggest you bring plenty of lotion. You are probably gonna need it.
Fact is, there are many different kinds of "Zombies" and depending on who you listen to, and where you live, they can come about in many different ways. None I might add that are the result of the hilarious theories postulated by your future brain donor friends above. I have covered my own particular story in a previous "Ask the Dead Guy" column which you are free to read here. In the end, all that really matters is that we do in fact exist, and you have every reason to bolt your doors and check your windows every night before you go to sleep. I mean after all, "We're Coming To Get You Shelly!"
Well that's all the time we have for questions and answers this week. Sal and Bruce I have your questions stored, and they were both great questions I look forward to responding to, so look for your answers next week. As for the rest of you, get cracking on your questions for next week too. Cya then....Same Zombie Time, Same Zombie Channel.
Now you're on your own.