Welcome to another week of the questions and answers article that we here at brain-donors.com affectionately refer to as "Ask the Dead Guy". Sorry today's article came out so late, but as some of you know I spent the last 36 hours being awake and overseeing the 24 hr. Zombie Jesus Day celebration here at brain-donors.com
If you want to take part in all the fun that is this series, if you have a burning question that doesn't require a rectal suppository, or you just want to see your name in print on a Zombie website, then post your questions in the comments below, send them to me in a private message here at brain-donors, post them on my wall over at Facebook, or you can email them to me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org. It's that easy.
If you missed last week's article you can find it here. Speaking of last week's article, Evan I hope the thoughts of me eating your long pork is still giving you sleepless night! I will see what I can do to make those nightmares a reality as soon as I am able.
Remember readers, in order to keep this series going it depends on you submitting your questions every week. Some of you unfortunately know what happens when I don't get my four questions to answer on a given week. Needless to say it's not pretty. So now that we have all that crap out of the way, let's dig into your questions!
Our first question this week was a hold over from last week and comes to us from Sallie Ann Neilsen@Facebook. Sal asked, "Mister Cantankerous, how come they have a Doomsday Preppers show, a Doomsday Bunker show, but no Zombie Preppers show on TV?"
The short answer is of course "Smart Marketing" on our part. What I mean by this is that we in the horde have done absolutely everything within our power to ensure that the powers that be at the major TV networks never perceive the threat of a real Zombie Apocalypse as anything more than a ridiculous premise dreamed up by some nerds on the internet to hawk T-shirts. So far our plan has been working out great! Let's all hope that it continues this way.
Essentially we Zombies don't want you seeing any shows on TV that might actually teach you to be better prepared for Z-Day. This way you are lulled into a false sense of security that a Zombie Apocalypse could never happen. Trust me when I say it will just make it easier for all concerned if we can adjust the food chain without any real hassles. Needless to say we have an excellent Marketing department in the horde and our Financial department is in the process of cornering the market on tin foil hats.
Seriously speaking though, have you ever actually sat down and watched one of these shows? Half of the nutcases they feature on those shows would suffer a coronary if they ever left their Walmart Brand Fatmobiles to cross the front yard and get their mail on their own legs. Clearly Doomsday prepping is the hip thing to do if you are an overweight diabetic with failing kidneys. Seriously, has it never occurred to most of these would be "Survivors" that exercising once in a while might aid in ones survival better than being the proud owner of 2 tons of uncooked rice and a goat?
What about that one show where Mr. Gun Nut was out in the dessert with his sons doing some target shooting and ended up blowing off his own thumb with his own rifle on camera and had to have the show's EMT's save his ass? I mean really? This is what the networks put forth as potential Doomsday Survivors? If this is the case our pending Zombie Apocalypse should be a frickin' cake walk.
Yes I confess I do on occasion watch some of these shows, so I know full well what they are all about. Truth be told I find them fucking hilarious! To us Zombies watching these "Doomsday" shows is the equivalent of watching "The Joisey Shore" and an incredibly guilty little pleasure.
Our next question is also a hold over from last week, brought to us by Bruce Ro@Facebook. Bruce asked, "Mister Cantankerous, do Zombies have folk tales, like Goldilocks and the Three brains?"
Oh were you looking for more than that? Well guess what Bruce? Your questions inspired me to do a short series of articles I will begin unveiling this Wednesday. So look for the first Zombie fairy tale then, and thanks so much for the great idea! Sorry you had to wait an extra week for such a short answer, but I know you're a good sport. You are a good sport right?
Our third question this week comes from our very own Happily Undead@brain-donors. HU asked, "Mister Cantankerous, If a guy dies while getting busy, and comes back a zombie, is he considered a walking stiff?"
It's always about the sex with you isn't it? I really need to have a word with your husband about that. Seriously though, if a Zombie can walk while having sex he is a better Zombie than me so you can call him whatever you like so far as I'm concerned. I would say this much though, if a Zombie can still walk after having sex, one can only assume the sex wasn't very good. I don't know how you future brain donors do it, but if after a roll in the hay my partner's legs haven't turned to "jelly" then I was having an off night. Nuff said.
Our final question this week comes to us from our own Pam R.@brain-donors. Pam asked, "Mister Cantankerous, why redheads?"
Why not? Seriously though take a look around you here on the site and what colors do you primarily see? Funny thing is red isn't even my favorite color and I don't wear it cuz I look like shit in it. My favorite colors for those who don't know is blue, black and gray. Some chick told me I was clearly a "Winter" right before I ripped out her kidney and wrapped it in Bacon for supper. The color Red just happens to be an occupational hazard in my particular line of work, namely slaughtering brain donors.
Pam is of course however referring to my fondness, or perhaps fixation is a better word for it, on Red headed females, and really the only answer I can still give is "why not?" The world is full of blondes, and brunettes, but what the world is incredibly short on is red headed women. That makes them exotic and thus in my mind at least more desirable. If they have a temperament that matches the tint on their roof top all the better so far as I'm concerned. Nothing I enjoy more in this unlife than breaking in a fresh filly who's never been ridden before, or a filly who's never been ridden well.
If I can ever find myself a sexy redheaded female with an English/Aussie accent and a penchant for Bacon and Zombies, I may have very well met my soul mate and the woman I would gladly spend the rest of my afterlife with. Ah....perchance to dream.
Well folks that's it for this week. Lainey and Shelly I did get your questions and they are being stored for next week. As for the rest of you future brain donors out there, you denied me my kitten smoothie this week, but if you don't get your questions in this week I will definitely be partaking in one come next Monday. See ya next time, Same Zombie Time, Same Zombie Channel.
Now you're on your own.