For those of you who don't know yet what "Ask the Dead Guy" is all about, it's my weekly Monday article where you sexy future brain donors ask the questions, and the all knowing Dead Guy (Me) answer them for you. You can find last week's article here. If you'd like to get in on the fun yourself all you have to do is post your question in the comments below, post it on my wall over at Facebook, drop me an email here at Brain-Donors.Com or you can even email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org, it's just that easy. The deadline for submitting new questions is always Monday morning at 9am CST, so you have an entire week to figure out what you want to ask.
Each week I will answer four questions put forth by you future brain donors, but if you don't submit the four questions I need for this article, well then bad things happen. Really bad things! Like for instance stuffing kittens into blenders and then drinking their remains through a straw. If you love kittens, I suggest you start submitting your questions right away. I'm not kidding, I have done it before, and I have no compunction against doing it again. Consider yourselves forewarned.
So now that all that bullshit is all out of the way, lets dig into this weeks questions. We had a few leftovers from a previous week so we are gonna go ahead and start with those.
Our first question this week comes to us from Lainey Thomas@Facebook. Clearly Lainey is desperately trying to top Shelley for the longest questions ever asked in this series. She even tried to sneak in a second question as part of her original question. If you read this series regularly you know that simply isn't allowed here. Lainey asked, "Mister Cantankerous, in some Zombie movies, the undead will eat animals, such as in The Walking Dead. But in other Zombie depictions animals are spared and only human flesh is concerned. What's the real deal?
First let me remind you that "The Walking Dead" is not in fact a movie but rather a television program. A program I might add that continues to frustrate me with the lack of human pain and suffering. Team Zombie has fallen very far behind in the rankings in terms of Kills/week and I'm really tired of seeing Team RV phone it in every week and remain at the top of the leader-board. Sorry I had to get that off my chest.
As for your question, Zombies are as varied in their dietary habits as you future brain donors are. Some are picky eaters and some will eat anything they can fit in their pie-hole. I once saw a fellow shambler try to eat Kate Beckinsale's bicycle seat. He said it smelled "tasty". No clue what he meant by that. To each their own I suppose.
As for my personal dietary predilection, it should be common knowledge by now that I eat both. There is nothing I love more than bashing a skull in scooping out the brains and wrapping those brains in delicious bacon. I've tried cutting out the middle man once, but believe it or not Pig brains tastes absolutely nothing like Bacon. Imagine that huh?
As I have stated before in the past, we Zombies eat not because it is a requirement in order to survive, but rather because it is something we enjoy doing immensely. In that respect we are very much like you brain donors in terms of what we eat. While we can indeed go for weeks at a time without eating anything at all, eating is something we enjoy and when we come across something that excites our taste buds you are can bet your bippy we are gonna partake in it. So until they can figure out how to make a pig's brain taste like bacon, it sucks to be you!
Our second question this week is also a hold over from a previous article. Shelly Arnold@Facebook was trying to save a kitten so felt compelled to submit a question (see I told you I was serious about that shit!). This time Shelly was considerate enough to keep her questions under 200 words, something I greatly appreciate. Shelly asked, "Mister Cantankerous, in this over populated world that we live in, if you could eat one person who would it be?"
That is an awesome question, it is so awesome it is nearly impossible for me to answer. There are just so many people I'd like to see at my dinner table, or rather on my dinner table, for so many different reasons. Picking one is rather tortuous to say the least. I hope you don't mind if I mention more than one.
For starters I would love to eat Kate Beckinsale (I'm no idiot, fuck her bicycle seat!), because I think she would provide a lovely presentation on the plate. Of course I would never eat her all at once, as I'd want to savor every single bite of her. If she tastes nearly as good as she looks well then I am sure you can understand why her demise would be an agonizingly slow and painful death for her but an unspeakable culinary delight for me. It might take months or even years to thoroughly enjoy every morsel that is Kate.
Another person I'd love to see cross my plate is Michael Moore. I have never liked that guy, and while I think he is full of shit, I am willing to bet I could find enough Bacon to make him somewhat palatable. Just knowing he would never again be able to foist another piece of crap on the movie going public ever is good enough reason for me to risk the gastrointestinal agony that would no doubt follow such a meal. That and let's face it one could live for several months off that guy's blubber before you ever got to the actual meat.
Lastly, if you've read the most recent edition of Brains Magazine you know already who is next on my list; Justin Beiber. I don't think I need go into any further details as to my feelings about that kid. If you haven't already read my thoughts on Master Bieber, you can pick up your own free digital copy of Brains Magazine here.
Our third question this week comes to us from Amanda Rogers@Facebook. Amanda asked a question on behalf of her little girl Naomi. I personally think it's cute when little kids ask Mommy or Daddy to ask me stuff. Naomi wanted to know, "Mister Cantankerous, do zombies raise zombie children and if so, how? I know some kids get turned into zombies do the adult zombies look after them?"
Well I suppose the easiest way to answer your question directly is to have you do the following Naomi. The next time you see that mysterious unmarked white van parked down the street with the words "Free Candy" spray painted on the side, you should probably go check it out. I know Mommy has probably told you a dozen times not to, but that is only because Mommy knows how cool it would be to be a Zombie, but she is afraid the other Zombies won't like her so she doesn't want you to join us. Mommy is afraid of being left alone by herself. Adults can be silly insecure people sometimes. We Zombies though we love Zombie kids, they are some of the horde's best assets (that means we think they are the coolest!) and we'd love to have you be a Zombie spy for us Naomi! That sounds great doesn't it? Just don't tell Mom!
We Zombies take great care of our Zombikids because we know those silly Adult brain donors are suckers for trying to help them. See Naomi humans have this silly "nuturing instinct" thing that they are complete and utter slaves to. We Zombies know how to take advantage of that. See this nurture thing allows our Zombikids to get in close to these silly adults where they can rip their throats out before the rest of us older Zombies come in for the kill and the free eats. Doesn't that sound like fun? I bet you'd make a great Zombie spy Naomi!
I know you wanted to know if we Zombies protect our Zombikids? You bet your bippy we do. We also make sure they get all the candy, cake and ice cream they want for the rest of their lives. Doesn't that sound wonderful Naomi?
I know Mommy is probably gonna tell you not to listen to silly old Unkie Cantankerous, but you and I both know how cool being a Zombie really is. The next time you see Mommy has had one too many of those "Adult beverages" that she loves so much but won't let you taste, and you see that she is taking another one of her special naps next to the toilet you and your siblings and all of your little friends should come and join us in Zombie Candy Land. Just look for the white van that will take you there. If that doesn't work you make sure you come back so Unkie Cantankerous can teach you how to use Chloroform on Mommy. We can't wait to eat...I mean meet you. Hope to see you soon!
Our last question this week comes to us once again from the "land down unda". Cass Mulgrew@Facebook asked, "Mister Cantankerous, I spent last night showing BIL your website..and we came up with a question..(oh, and he agrees that you are a comical genius with rapier wit)....do zombies appreciate the human delicacies that they are so often found snacking upon themselves...snot and scabs? Cheers.00"
First off you Aussies are so cute the way you talk. Secondly thanks for the compliments, that might even earn you a coveted "Eat Last" status when I make my way to Australia. As you know I had no fucking clue what BIL stood for, but thankfully now I do. I swear you kids and your texting shorthand, I will never get used to that shit.
As for enjoying the finer delicacies in life, unfortunately we Zombies cannot partake in the joy that is chewing on one's own scabs. See our blood or whatever this crap is that we have flowing through us doesn't seem to coagulate when we leak. When you get lucky enough to hit a Zombie vein it just kinda oozes out till it's empty, but not all is lost, I do however have a rather nice fungus growing from my ear that when spread on toast goes deliciously with a bowl of stewed brains. I highly recommend trying some, it makes Vegemite seem like crap on crackers, and is hands down way better than orange marmalade at tea.
Sadly I haven't had any tasty bits running from my own nose in decades, so there simply is nothing worth mining there anymore. That said, thankfully you humans can still provide some of these decidedly palatable materials, as you lot are often covered in scrapes and pus when we get done throttling the life out of you. So we at least still have that going for us. While I've never been much for leftovers I do like to keep a handful of human scabs in my pockets at all times. One never knows when they might need a "quick pick me up", and it's not like having too many between meal snacks will ever spoil my appetite for brains.
Well kids that is all the time we have for questions and answers this week. Lainey I am storing part two of your question. I still have questions from Bruce, Bob, Tim, Mike, and Jeffrey to be answered as well, so look for those answers next Monday...Same Zombie Time, Same Zombie Channel!
Now you're on your own.