Well believe it or not "Ask the Dead Guy" has finally made it to article number 20 in the series. Who'da thought this would go on for as long as it has. Even more surprising is the fact that I had all four of the questions that I needed a week ahead of time. The wonders never cease around here.
For those of you who are reading this series for the first time today, "Ask the Dead Guy" is my weekly series where you future brain donors ask the questions and the Dead Guy (Me) answers them. So if you have some burning question you need answered that doesn't involve Jock Itch or some other kind of unsightly rash, then post your question in the comments below, post it on my Facebook wall, send me a private message here at Brain-Donors.Com or you can even email it to me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org. It's just that easy.
This series requires your questions in order to continue, so be sure to get your questions in no later than 9am EST every Monday if you want them answered the following week. If I don't get the four questions I need, well bad things happen. Really bad things, and those bad things normally involve kitten cruelties. So if you don't want to see any kittens harmed in the production of this series you had best start sending your questions in right now. No I mean now, like before you continue reading this weeks article dumbass!
If you missed out on last week's article you can find it here. Now that we've got that all out of the way, let's get on with the questions and answers.
Our first question this week comes to us from Lainey Thomas@Facebook. Lainey tried to sneak in a second part into her question last week (naughty girl!) so I held on to it for this week because that's what I do. Lainey asked, "Mister Cantankerous, some animals are scavengers. If the cause of Z-day is a chemically engineered biohazard and not a human virus, can animals turn into the undead by eating zombie bits that have fallen off by the wayside, so to speak?"
Well you know what they say; you break the 5 minute rule you take your chances! Honestly though it would really depend entirely on how this particular biohazard was engineered. It is common knowledge that not all viruses that affect humans affect animals, and visa versa. That said, short of flies and dung beetles I am not aware of any animals, scavenger or otherwise, who thrive on eating rotting flesh. I mean let's face it there is a big difference between a critter like say a hyena picking off bits of a fresh carcass that a lion has finished and that same hyena coming across a bloated warthog that has been rotting in the sun for five days and thinking "Yeah get me some of that!" Know what I mean?
More importantly perhaps, one has to wonder to what purpose anyone would engineer a such biohazard that could potentially endanger one's own food source in the first place? I mean yeah sure you future brain donors have repeatedly proven you are more than capable of such stupidity in the past, but what would you do with something like that? Weaponizing organisms is one thing, weaponizing organisms that are just as likely to wipe you out as it is to wipe out your enemies takes a special kind kind of stupidity that even I am incapable of fathoming. Then again, I think we can all rest assured knowing it's only a matter of time before something like this inevitably happens. Sadly for you lot it's more apt to happen sooner rather than later.
Our second question this week comes to us from Bruce Ro@Facebook. Bruce asked, "Mister Cantankerous,. Do Zombies play video games? Seems like a lot of systems would go to waste if they don't."
Oh Hell yeah we do! A lot of the guys and gals in the horde are serious gamers. I personally don't dig the console games myself as much as some of the others, but thankfully a lot of them are ported over to the PC as well. I literally wouldn't be caught dead playing any game on a Mac, but then any serious gamer knows why that is already.
One of my favorite games is "Left 4 Alive III". You gather 3 of your buds and have to make it through wave after wave of brain donors trying to get to the Zombie Safe House, using only what you can carry. It's pretty hardcore, as you can only use whatever you find lying around for weapons, and there are no medpacks. Take a shot to the head and it's game over man!
Another recent favorite in the horde has been "Dyrim". It's the fifth installment in The Elder Skulls series and is pretty bad ass. Basically you have to fight your way into all these primitive villages and try to infect everyone without taking an arrow to the knee or brain. Personally the part I love the best about this one is the Necromantic magic you get to use. It's seriously bitching stuff and beats the snot out of lame ass crafting choices like blacksmithing that are so prevalent in many new games today.
I am personally looking forward the upcoming "Mass Infect 3" which is supposed to be hitting the shelves any day now. Finally we get play Zombie Aliens and blow the Earth to oblivion from outer space while that moron Commander Sheephard and his team of losers tries to stop us. I can also finally romance that Zombie chick I've been dying to sink my teeth into. Judging from the leaked beta test videos I've seen it should be frickin' sweet!
Question number three this week comes to us from Bob Satterfield@Facebook. Bob (an no he's not the Bob I threaten to kill all the time) asked, "Mister Cantankerous, if a person were infected, then quickly embalmed, could they wake up shall we say undead?"
Glad to have you back! It seems like forever since we've had a question from you. I am not sure what the deal is with this recent fascination with embalming fluids that seems to have arisen in this series, but I'll do my best to answer your question regardless.
As I have said before embalming fluid so far as I can see is a good thing, so far as we Zombie folks go at least. While I am no mortician, I am of the understanding it has preservative properties, which would no doubt be incredibly useful to someone who has found themselves recently dead, and then all of a sudden not so dead. Bear in mind though that embalming is not a permanent preservation method.
Depending on what you believe is the cause for reanimation I fail to see how being embalmed would be a set back in the process. If you believe that infection is the cause of reanimation I just don't see how embalming someone is likely to prevent them from coming back as a member of our undead horde. If anything I would go so far as to say that putting a potential Zombie in such a position will undoubtedly come back to bite you in the ass. Literally!
Our last question for this week comes to us from Tim Forston@Facebook. Tim asked, "Mister Cantankerous, if you are bitten would severing the exposed extremity slow the infection, stop it, or just be giving yourself extra pain for no reason whatsoever?"
A great question but unfortunately not one I have a definitive answer for...yet. I suppose the only real way to find out is to have an a little experiment of our own. Here is what I propose. I will send you the coordinates to the secret underground lair. Wormwood will meet you at those coordinates and then bite a chunk out of your arm. He will then rush you into the lab and I will whack off your arm just above the bite and consume it. Then we wait. If we don't see any results in 15 minutes, I will have Wormwood bite you in the leg and we will repeat the process.
We can continue this experiment until either you turn into a Zombie or my belly gets full from eating your various infected body parts. So shall we say this Wednesday, say around lunchtime? I always get a bit hungry after writing another Zombie Fairy Tales for Wicked Children story. Will that work for you? Feel free to bring any of your redheaded lady friends as well. I'd love to meat...I mean meet them too.
Well folks that's all the time we have for questions and answers this week. Michael, Jeffrey, and Amanda I have your questions saved for next week. As for he rest of you start working on your questions now or I promise you a kitten will meet it's untimely end come next Monday. So be sure to check back in again next Monday....same Zombie Time, same Zombie Channel.
Now you're on your own.