Well I'll tell you what I think, I think it's been a few weeks since I posted anything in my blog and now that I am able to again, I suppose it's best if I start by answering your questions. That's what I think.
Welcome to week eight of "Ask the Dead Guy" the weekly column where you future brain donors ask the questions and me the local Dead Guy answers them. As always this column is fueled entirely by your questions, so in order to keep it going you need to either post your questions in the comment section here, post them on my Facebook wall, or send them to me directly via email at email@example.com.
The first question for this week comes from Rob Long@Facebook. Rob simply asked, "Mister Cantankerous why?"
Why the fuck not? I mean let's be honest here Rob, "why" is the question a two year old future brain donor begins to ask the minute they gain the simplest understanding of the question, and like yourself, once they comprehend it's meaning they ask it incessantly, much the way you did on Facebook. It is intended to be annoying, and seeing as child raising is no longer a personal concern of mine I can think of no answer better suited for a childish question such as yours than a childish answer hence why I elect to respond with; "why the fuck not?"
You want to know why I do this? Why the fuck not? You want to know why the grass is green and the sky blue, why the fuck not? You want to know why you can't get a date with a decent woman, it's cuz you're a fucking man child who apparently does not possess the ability to have an adult conversation, much less pose an adult question worthy of an adult response, whether that response comes from the living or the dead.
I sincerely find myself with questions of my own here, such as why are you such a fucking moron posing a question like that? Why would you continue to make an ass of yourself by posing the same exact question over and over again? Sorry Rob but "why the fuck not" is all you are apt to get from me or anyone else so long as you continue to converse like a man child and continue to ask the same ridiculous question over and over again. Hope you got the answer you were looking for, perhaps now you can grow up a little bit.
Question number two this week comes from our own Komrad Venessa Wicked who also runs Wicked Zombies. Venessa asked, "Mister Cantankerous, in an urban area what would be the best way to travel at night?"
I suppose the simplest answer would be to travel away from the horde and keep traveling in whatever direction that is both during the day and night until such a time as you haven't seen a member of the walking dead for a month or so. To be honest I don't think I fully understand your question, so forgive me if I "wing it" here.
As for modes of transportation I would suggest a good sturdy bicycle. It's quiet and easily repaired. That said, it would probably be better suited for daylight travel as opposed to riding around in the dark. While darkness will provide you with some modicum of protection from the living (who can be just as dangerous as the undead) it offers no protection whatsoever from shamblers intent on consuming your brains. Day or night makes no difference to those who's one track mindset is to get a piece of your tasty gray matter.
Our third question this week comes from our own Sarah Caster@brain-donors.com. Sarah asked, "Mister Cantankerous, What will happen to the zombies once all the "Brain Donors" are gone? Is there a plan of sorts?"
As per usual while I cannot speak for the horde in it's entirety, I do have a plan for that particular eventuality that I outlined previously in one of my "Sign of the Times" articles. In short my long term plan is to raise "free range humans", and failing that perhaps "confinement brain donors" with the long term goal of starting my own "McBrains" franchise.
See Sarah, once everything "goes to shit" for you meat puppets there will be plenty of available real estate with which I can start my brain ranches, harvesting facilities, and eventual retail outlets. My business philosophy is loosely based on an old traveling salesman joke that goes like this.
This traveling salesman is making a sales call to a local pig farmer, and as he is pulling up the gravel driveway to the main house he notices a rather sizable pig with a wooden leg. Upon concluding his business with the farmer he asks, "So what's the deal with the pig with the wooden leg?" To which the farmer replies, "That there is one heroic pig, he's saved my life many a time."
The farmer continues, "Last spring my tractor flipped over on me and that there pig saw it happen and ran and got help." The farmer went on, "and last winter when the flue in the corn burner plugged up and caused a fire, that pig raised a ruckus and saved me and the missus from burning in our bed." The salesman was indeed amazed by these deeds, but was still curious as to why the pig had a wooden leg, so he asked again, "well that sounds amazing, but that doesn't explain why the pig has a wooden leg?" To which the farmer simply replied, "well you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
So there you have it. You simply don't eat your future brain donors all at once. At least the smart Zombie doesn't, and I am one dead guy who is not best known for being stupid.
Our last question for this week comes from Rich BlackPlague@Facebook. Rich asked, "Mister Cantankerous, would a Zombie turn to cannibalism?"
I can only assume your question applies to a scenario in which there are no longer any humans to provide our kind with sustenance, much like Sarah's question. To be honest, the likelihood of this actually concurring is pretty slim to none in my opinion. I say this because the human will to survive and procreate is nearly as great as the hordes desire to consume you.
While it may be difficult to remember, human beings were not always at the top of the food chain. The early hominids from which you derive were in their day prey for carnivorous beasts like the saber-tooth tiger, and other creatures of that sort. That said, your kind managed to survive being hunted, evolved, and mastered means of protection that allowed the continuation of your species. I have no doubt that your kind will continue to adapt and overcome once you find yourselves once again at the middle of the food chain. To be honest your survival as a species is in the best interests of of both yourselves and the walking dead.
Truth be told, I suspect it is more likely that human kind would turn to cannibalism long before it became a consideration for the horde. I mean face it once the shit hits the fans, the undead are not going to be the only thing you future brain donors are going to have to be worried about. I have seen how you deal with each other on an every day basis, I don't expect things to get better once the "ideals" of human existence are replaced with the individual need to survive. Your track record as a species tends to be somewhat self destructive.
Well folks that wraps up the question and answer session for this week. Keep those questions coming and I will keep the answers flowing every Monday. Same Zombie Time, same Zombie Channel.
Now you're on your own.