When you think of a condom what is the first thing that comes to your mind? If you are anything like me, the first thing you think about is sex. Come on now and admit it. We are all adults, and I must say most of us like sex. So when I think of a condom, I think of a night full of very satisfyingly stimulating “bonding” between two consenting adults. If you don’t think of passionate sex when you hear condom, you must be one of those who prefer to go bareback, and for you the word condom spells constriction. Hey it is your own personal preference and not my place to tell you any different. 

 For over 400 years people have relied on the condom to provide protection from pregnancy and diseases, much to the Catholic Church’s dismay. Free Clinics give them out by the crate to those who are sexually active and can’t afford to buy condoms or are too shy to go into a store and purchase them. Schools hand them out during their yearly sexual education classes. I mean you even see caring Christians handing them out to hookers on the street corners. They are everywhere, and following the start of  Z-day, will be one of the few supplies that will go unnoticed and unused. You will be wise to scoop these bad boys up every chance you get. They do not take up much room and the non-lubricated ones will be most beneficial to your survival group.

Typically condoms are used as a means to prevent pregnancy and the spread of disease; this we all know. But another good use for a non-lubricated rubber is as a container for carrying and storing drinking water. An average sized condom can hold up to 1.5 liters of water, and as long as no one poked holes in them should also be leak proof. Another good idea would be to place an unrolled condom in a sock, and place it in an open position during a rain shower. This way you can collect useable drinking water in places where there are no other viable sources of drinking water. The thought might be odd and will probably take some getting used to for both genders, but I assure you when your life is on the line, nothing will matter but the taste of that wonder water.

Another good use for condoms is to use them for seed bombing. I have been hanging onto this unique survival skill waiting for a good place to talk about it. For those who do not know what this is let me explain. There is a group of guerrilla gardeners who are trying to beautify urban areas. To do this without causing trouble or trespassing, they take seeds of all kinds, flowers, vegetables, and such, roll them into tight balls of nutrient rich soil and place them into condoms. Then while nonchalantly walking down the street they toss the “seed grenade” into the empty lot, or eyesore property. Eventually the “bomb” explodes into a beautiful garden, and no one is the wiser as to who did it. Now this can be very useful after the Zombies begin walking, because you will want to plant, but not necessarily want to take the time to sow a garden. This is understandable; because I am sure you would not like the surprise that comes after that undead creep molests your skull. So if you toss a bunch of “bombs’ around, something will eventually grow, and then you can risk your life for the thought of a juicy tomato instead of just the smell of freshly dug dirt.

Certain branches of the military also have some off the wall uses for those little rubber discs. Most commonly they use them to tie over the muzzle of their guns to keep out debris and water. However the OSS uses them to store corrosive fuel additives, for holding acid, and for improvising explosives. Just for the record this is something I highly recommend AGAINST!!!! Do not use condoms this way! I repeat do not try this at home!  I only post this so as to explain other uses for the humble condom. If  you are not a member of the OSS do not ever attempt such foolishness even in a survival situation, unless you want to be a severely disfigured walker yourself.  The Navy Seals also use doubled up condoms sealed with neoprene cement to protect fire assemblies in underwater demolitions. So this I agree with, using condoms to place things like your important paper, or fire starting equipment in. This will keep them water tight in the event that you have to cross or swim deep waters to avoid the oncoming horde.

I have come across a lot of other uses that are quite self-explanatory and do not require a lot of explain. Some are serious, some are funny, but all are legitimate uses. If you are a woman and have had an internal ultrasound you have seen firsthand that the Techs use condoms to cover the probe. This minimizes the fluids and blood that they need to clean up after words. And, everyone has heard of drug smugglers packing condoms full of drugs and swallowing them. It makes bringing them into other country virtually undetectable. Also E.M.T’s have used condoms in a pinch for one way valves in chest decompression.

As you can see many professions have found uses for these versatile little contraptions, but the ingenuity of rednecks seems to take the cake. Following are some redneck uses for condoms:

1. Hip Waders
2. Balloons
3. Place them over yer sodeepop to keep the fizz in
4. Water balloon fights
5. Pooper scooper gloves
6. And my personal favorite, Geriatric drool bags!

Where else can you find something so versatile yet so small and compact that it can be carried in your wallet? Hell most of us have a few floating all over whether it is our wallets, our purses, our dressers, medicine cabinets, or glove boxes. They are everywhere, and can be used for almost anything. Until next time I leave you to ponder more uses for those tiny inflatable staples. Just don't put any staples into them please.

Remember, you heard it here first, now....SURVIVE THIS!