My name is A.K. Abby, the world has been taken over by the undead, BAM!, total devastation. End of the world as we know it. Now fifteen people gotta cram themselves into the same bathtub...so it's not all bad. Not long ago while picking off the shambling, flesh eating dead I ran across the most amazing zombie. This is how it happened....
I was sitting atop a gas station roof, the sun beating down on me. There was a cigarette hanging from the corner of my mouth and a cold beer beading sweat at my side and best of all my AK47 was full of hot lead and ready to bust zombie heads. I had already shot several walkers that strayed into my line of view when up pops this decaying, green skinned sucker. Dude just kinda shambles across the pavement in my general direction, not doing the usual moaning and carrying on but otherwise looking like something left to spoil in the sun for months. I aimed on him, bringing the cross-hairs to bear on his moldy head, noticing how part of the scalp had already gone missing. I squeezed the trigger slowly but just before I could fire the shambler looked right up into my sights and grinned. "You've still got the safety on, dumbass.", he said in a dry raspy voice.
I was shocked, I'd never heard a zombie speak before besides moaning about brains. "Who...what are you?", I asked, my finger still on the trigger. Again he grinned, somewhat nastily, showing rotting, blood-stained teeth, "I'm Cantankerous, Mister Cantankerous. And if you'll just come down, little brain donor, maybe we can share a little snack." I barked a laugh, "Quite a sense of humor you've got dead-boy. But I think I'll stay up here." He laughed then, deep and loud and long. "I guess you're smarter than you look. I've never met a woman who had tits and knew how to use her brain before.", he chortled. The comment made me smile.
And that was the start of a beautiful, if somewhat rotten, friendship. (But I still keep my distance just in case.)
Happy Zombie Jesus Day, Mister C.