I'll bet that everyone reading this has a survival plan for the day when the dead begin to rise. Something to do with fortifying your home or finding the right shelter, stocking food, weapons. I bet you have it all planned out. But what you never thought about, the insidious little niggling thing that no one ever thinks about, is where NOT to go on that day or the days that follow.

For now, a Zombie apocalypse may be regulated only to the movies, unless some rage-infected monkeys get out, but if there is a sudden increase in the undead, you will want to avoid the following locations. And surprise, surprise, they're not all the places you'd expect.

Turning into a Zombie is normally classified as an infection, at least so far as anyone can currently determine. So it's safe to assume that during the early stages of the apocalypse, people suffering from bouts of anger and uncontrolled violence as well as bite victims will be sent to the hospital, turning it into perfect place for Zombie hordes to form. Add to that the fact that you are probably at the hospital because of an injury or sickness, hopefully not a Zombie bite or else you can just forget about where Not to be, thus putting yourself at Zombie central in a weakened condition.

Avoid hospitals like the plague...mostly because the undead plague will likely get there ahead of you. It's an abundant source of food for the newly risen hungry dead since most of the occupants are either ill or injured. Anyone with questionable symptoms will be sent there, treated, die, and reanimate. The nurses, doctors, and other scientific folks will totally not believe you when you try to explain that the guy in the next bed trying to tear your throat out with his teeth is actually undead. Basically a hospital is bad choice number one for post Z-Day. Yes, there are supplies there, yes there is medicine that you might need, but when compared to the ravenous dead...best to just stay home and try chicken soup.

For obvious reasons let's not go shopping. Pop culture has led us to believe that within the confines of our local shopping mall we can find safety, supplies, and meaningful new friendships. And that's exactly why it's a bad idea! If you've seen a "Survive the Zombies at the Mall" type of  movie then chances are that every one else has as well. So basically if you survive the looters and then the Zombies, you'll have a bunch of like minded idiots breaking down your defenses and fortifications, letting themselves and the undead horde in ... congrats you are now tasty meat.

Food and supplies stored at a mall are usually not going to last very long, especially when you consider how many other people are thinking to 'escape' to the comforts of mass consumerism just like you. There are waaaaay too many exits that for you to secure and guard. Even when the mall is closed there are still people inside, security, janitors, folks opening early or closing late. These people might all be infected or they might consider this area their private preserve and you an unwelcome visitor. At best you'll manage to come to some agreement with the others inside with you and you'll last a little while. But worst case scenario is that someone there will be infected and begin spreading the panic, and in the confusion some other moron will open a door in a vain attempt to escape and let the hungry fiends inside whereupon you all become hot lunches.

If you've ever driven in rush hour traffic or if you live in a large heavily populated area you know that traffic jams can suck. During Z-day this will be even worse, traffic jams can become deadly and not just because of some crazy guy who's sat too long and missed his meeting and is going to go postal and shoot your ass. People are trying to flee the major population areas and all get on the highway, only to discover that the highways are all congested.

Being the keen survivors that they are, they abandon their cars and head for the mall. (Did i say 'keen survivors'? I meant dumb ass idiots.) Any way, imagine that you are stuck in traffic on your way to work when the outbreak hits. You don't know what's happening until hundreds of desperate people come running at you, the sudden human traffic keeps you stuck in your car, and even if you could get out you would be trampled.

Your only choice is to wait it out and inevitably become a neatly packaged "meal ready to eat" for the on coming horde. If the zombies don't get you then you'll have to consider that those outside your little 'protected bubble' will want to get inside with you to avoid becoming a snack. They'll beg and plead and threaten and most likely break a window in the attempt to get inside to 'safety'. Dummies. There are those who'll want to use your vehicle to escape in but need you out of the way to do it. There will still be those psycho people who are just mad at the world and want to shoot you. And there will still be the undead. If all the other would be survivors leave you blissfully alone you'll still be surrounded by some very unhealthy looking types who wanna munch your medulla oblongata. So, if you have to get in a car, stay off major roadways.

A darkened cinema is also a no-no when there are zombies about. You sit there, relaxed, your guard down, your back to the door. Suddenly there's a sound, a scream, but you don't turn you think it's just the cinemas amazing surround sound. You only realize there's something wrong when you feel the blunt pressure of Zombie teeth against you neck. The last thing you see before you're devoured is Bruce Willis selling out to commercialism, as the taste of your own blood creeps into the back of your mouth. A cinema is not a good choice for survival, they have snack food and soda which while tasty are not good survival food. There are too many ways in and out, too many darkened areas, and way too many consumers who'll think to hide out there only to discover that the undead and pretty fond of movies too. So while they sit back and enjoy the thirty-fifth release of Jaws they get to gnaw on your tender, popcorn filled insides. Yum.

Rock concerts, raves, mosh pits and other large social gatherings, also bad choices. Thousands of people jumping up and down, screaming, generally going ape shit! Music blaring, speakers slowly making you deaf. Nothing beats a rock concert, right?! Wrong!! Like the darkened cinema, your eyes are front, and you are unaware of the peril behind you, you never hear the screams. Just sudden chaos, the Zombies are in the crowd, with the flurry of people and the mist from the stage effects your vision is useless. You get knocked down, and you start getting trampled. When you finally wake up you find your broken body is being gnawed on by Zombies wearing Metallica t-shirts, and even through the pain you manage to think "At least it's not Nickelback fans". After that you join the horde. So, sex, drugs, and rock and roll are off the list of good places to be post Z-day.

Ah the police station, where the well trained and well armed members of the police service can be found. Now imagine that pre-Zombie apocalypse you found yourself on the wrong side of the law (naughty, naughty) and ended up in a holding cell. Zombie apocalypse hits, and score! you're in a steel cage keeping all the nasties out! But that's until the police station is overrun by desperate people, and the police are eventually killed or turned trying to do their civic duty, leaving you to starve to death in your once safe fortress. That's at least as long as they don't throw an "angry biter" in there with you, play nice now you two!

What about an air-show? First off, duh!, you're outside where the zombies are!! The pilots barrel roll and corkscrew to the sound of a cheering crowd, but the cheers quickly turn into screams as Zombies start chewing on the onlookers. Chaos ensues as jet fuel ignites charring infected and human alike, a blanket of burning metal comes raining down as distracted pilots crash into each other. You freeze, overcome with panic, until you spot an untouched helicopter. and then you realize that you have no idea how to switch it on let alone pilot it. Your last few moments before being eaten are spent in a tragic mix of fear, sadness and self loathing. Any place outside during the rise of the infected is a bad choice!

What about a foreign country? Ooh, vacation, gotta be a good idea during Z-day, get as far from the infected populace as you can. The chaos of the panicking masses and the terror inspired by the shambling undead is bad enough in your own country. Now imagine being on holiday in a non-English speaking country. Guess we didn't think that one through real well. How do you ask for help? The messages being broadcast by emergency services, what are they trying to tell you? The woman who was screaming at you, did she mean go that way for safety or for death? Any place where you can't understand the people surrounding you is a bad choice. You need to be able to fully communicate with those around you and be able to get all the information as it becomes available. So stay in your home country.

Also, frat and sorority houses, the people there already seem like zombies a lot of the time but during the zombie apocalypse telling the difference can become a big issue. Those 'people' staggering drunkenly towards you, are they undead or just buzzed? Does the smell of weed on that chick's breath cover up something more sinister? If you're on campus when the dead begin to rise, think about heading for home as quickly as possible. You're frat buddies are lots of fun but not the best choice for survival helpers.

And finally, no matter how religious you are, don't go to church. Now is very much not the time. Everyone who's even remotely religious is going to church, some for faith healing (doesn't work on Zombie bites), others for comfort (bless me father for i have bitten my neighbor), and some because they believe if they 'get right with God' then they'll be spared. There will be far too many people in the churches, hoping for safety and forgiveness. Best to make your peace with God on your own and avoid the Gospel of the Living Dead.

So now you've got a good idea where not to be when Z-day gets here. There are other places to avoid, of course, but this gives you a good idea where not to start.

Remember, you heard it here first, now.....Survive This!