"We Only Love You For Your Brains"

"Things You Wished You Knew Before You Died No. 5"

Well I'll tell you what I think, I think anyone who says a person is judged by the number of friends who attend their funeral apparently has no fucking clue what they're talking about. That's what I think.

Today's "Things You Wish You Knew Before You Died" entry is brought to you by the letter "F" for Friendship. See I can be educational when I put whats left of my mind to it. 

In all seriousness though, I find more and more each day that the word "friendship" or "friend" has become so overused that I sincerely believe people have no comprehension whatsoever as to what the word actually means. Its very definition has become so incredibly broad that it has lost any real meaning. As such, I suggest most of you should go look up the actual Webster's version before the word "friend" crosses your lips for the bagillionth time today.

I came to this conclusion after a conversation I had a while back with a potential paramour who said to me; "You're so funny you must have loads of friends", to which I responded, "Nope I actually have very few and I like it that way". I really do.

It seems now a days people have replaced the word "acquaintance" with the word "friend" and/or use both synonymously. I have boatloads of acquaintances, and as I said I have very few friends, and I prefer it that way. It is simply to much responsibility to have a ton of friends. That is of course presuming that you actually understand the true meaning of the word "friend".

By my personal definition, an acquaintance is someone you say "hi and bye" to, someone you know by name, someone you chat about the weather or current events with, or exchange recipes with. A  friend is someone who you can call at 3am in the morning to bail you out of jail, or better still is in the jail cell next to you reminding you just how good a time you two were having right before you ended up in the gray bar motel. An acquaintance simply requires social interaction, a friend requires unconditional responsibility, and I don't know about the rest of you but I take my personal responsibilities pretty damn responsibly.

For those of you who use a social network like Facebook, ask yourself this question; "Are the 300 people you have on your "Friend's" list really friends or are they in reality just acquaintances?" I would hope the answer is plainly obvious, but judging by how people bandy the word "friend" about, I may be mistaken. In fact I am willing to bet I make an ass of myself for assuming people understand what I mean.

As the years passed I shed a lot of my "guy friends" simply because I have little to nothing in common with them.  I don't hunt, fish, fix cars, or watch professional sports on TV. I have no interest in hearing about their latest "conquest" or about how bitchy they can make their wives. I simply have nothing to talk to them about, or they have nothing I wanna hear. I am perfectly fine with this arrangement.

Many of my "gal friends" have also fallen by the wayside because I likewise have no interest in hearing about their bratty kids, their sagging ass, or that guy from the bar who screwed them over after getting his rocks off.  I seriously can't be bothered. Perhaps I have become the cantankerous curmudgeon I always dreamed I would be, because when it comes down to it, the best friend I have in the world is myself and when you think about it, that isn't such a bad thing. Because...

"If You Can't Be Your Own Best Friend What Fucking Good Are You To Anyone Else?"

Seriously who the hell cares how many people are likely to show up at your funeral? When and how did that become the measure of a successful life, and at that point why would you care? You're fucking dead. It's not like you are gonna be standing around crossing people off your Christmas Card list for not showing up.

If you can't find peace within yourself and accept who you are, and be your own best friend, by what right do you have foisting yourself on anyone else? Having a long list of people you call friends who you wouldn't lift a finger to help should the need ever arise says what about you? I personally avoid responsibility of that nature like the plague so I keep my friends list very short for that very reason. Hell I don't even own a couch because I don't want anyone sticking around long enough to get that comfortable. I got things to do and I am sure you do too.

Its all well and good to have amicable intentions, but be mindful that "amicable" carpools with "good" on the road to Hell that is being paved. One must in the least endeavor to be truthful with oneself when judging who is a friend and who is in actuality just an acquaintance.

Knowing the difference between the two separates the wheat from the chaff, and tells you who your real friends are, and who you are willing to be responsible for. Friendship is not something that should be casually given or received. To use the word so casually is to diminish both it's intent and the quality of your friendship. I personally would rather be able to count all my real friends on one hand, as opposed to having so many faux-friends I have to borrow your fingers and toes to count them all. By the way you could really do with a mani-pedi for Pete's sake!

"If You Can't Be Your Own Best Friend What Fucking Good Are You To Anyone Else?"

When the day finally comes that some Redneck with a Remington puts a hunk of lead between my eyes, my last thoughts aren't gonna be "Gosh how many friends are gonna turn up for my funeral?" It's gonna be more like "Holy Shit that fucking hurt!" Followed closely by, "at least I died true to who I am and the people I call Friend."  Okay maybe not, but you know what I mean right? When it's all said and done the only best friend you are gonna have as you rot in the ground is yourself. While that may seem like a disturbing revelation for some, don't worry you will have plenty of time to come to terms with it as the worms go to town on whatever is left of you.

Now you're on your own.

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Comment by Sarah on January 17, 2012 at 4:33pm

Yes, I would have to agree. I can count my friends on my fingers, sure I have a lot of acquaintances, and that is fine. I mean really, I dont want over a hundred friends...I would have to go in hiding because I would have no peace. The few I have keep me busy enough in my opinion 

Comment by Happily Undead on January 17, 2012 at 3:03pm

Coulcn't agree with you more. I have lots of aquaintances but there are few people if even a handful of people on my friends list that I would consider friends


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