Once upon a time there was a little Zombie with horrible oozing pustules all over her face. The little Zombie's name was Gorypox. Gorypox was not the most attentive of little Zombies, and one day while shambling through the deep dark forest Gorypox got separated from the rest of the horde and became lost. The horde had moved on without her, and Gorypox found herself all alone.
Gorypox found this troubling. You see children she was the smallest of small Zombies and as such she was easy prey for any Redneck with a Remington. "Oh no" said Gorypox. "What ever shall I do?" she asked herself.
Gorypox walked and walked, until she couldn't walk anymore. Why some grown-ups call Zombies "Walkers" is beyond me Children. We Zombies really hate walking, and Gorypox was no different in that regards. Thankfully for Gorypox, just as she was about to give up she spied a small clearing with an even smaller cottage in it. This made Gorypox smile. Finally she had had some good luck, she thought.
What Gorypox didn't know was the cottage was actually the base of operations for a notorious group of Zombie hunters called "Survival Team Beta" who were currently out on a long range patrol. Gorypox was too tired and way too hungry to worry about such things though, so with what little strength she had left she shambled towards the door. See Zombies shamble a lot more than they walk Children, so the next time Mommy and Daddy call us Walkers make sure you laugh at them, and point out how stupid they are. Just make sure you've had dessert first, because we all know how vindictive Mommies and Daddies can be when you make them look foolish.
The cottage seemed heavily fortified but Gorypox didn't let that stop her. Pulling the chains from the back door she stuck her head inside and had a look around. "Braaiinnss?" she queried, but no one answered. It looked like the cottage was empty, but there were still plates of food on the kitchen table, so Gorypox decided to check it out. She was so so hungry.
Gorypox took a seat on the first chair and let out a yelp. "This chair is way too hard!", she cried as the blisters on her backside burst. Rubbing her sore behind Gorypox moved to the next chair. "This chair is way to soft", she sighed as she sunk into the cushion that reminded her of the soft dirt in a freshly dug grave. This chair just wouldn't do either she thought to herself. She needed something more firm to support her little bony undead ass. There was only one chair left so Gorypox tried that one next.
"This chair is just right", she exclaimed with glee! The third chair was as soft as the lining of a coffin but firm enough to support her bony lil backside. Having finally found the perfect chair it was time to see what kind of food was on the table. "Chipped Beef?!?" she cried in dismay as she examined the contents of the bowl. "Who eats this slop?" she asked herself.
Clearly this food wasn't fit for a dog much less a hungry lil Zombie so Gorypox pushed the bowl back across the table, and in doing so the chair she was sitting in leaned dangerously forward and the legs came out from under it. Gorypox fell forward with a thud as the chair's legs gave way beneath her. Gorypox smashed her head hard on the table and was knocked out cold.
Twenty minute passed before Gorypox finally regained consciousness, and even then she was still feeling very woozy. Half the pustules on her forehead burst open during the impact, and had left a terrible disgusting mess on the table. Oozing bodily fluids Gorypox figured she better go find someplace to lie down. Still reeling from what was probably a concussion, she shambled off in the direction of the bedroom. See children she is shambling again, not walking. Parents are so silly aren't they?
In the bedroom Gorypox found three bunks, and to be perfectly frank, she felt way to dizzy to try them all out as she had with the chairs in the kitchen, so she just collapsed into the first one she came to. Thankfully for Gorypox this bunk was just right. Soon Gorypox was fast asleep, sleeping the kind of sleep that only a dead little Zombie like Gorypox could sleep. Why don't you show Mommy and Daddy what you think that kind of sleep sounds like. Make sure you snore really, really loud too, because that is how little Zombies like Gorypox sleep.
Hours passed and as darkness began to fall the members of Survival Team Beta returned to their base of operations, after a long and fruitless patrol in search of Zombies to eradicate. They had seen plenty of tracks, but hadn't found a single Zombie to kill. It was a very disappointing day for the Team. Little did they know what was in store for them at their camp.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair too" said the team's Hazmat specialist, as he pulled his .45 from it's holster.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair too", said the team's Hand to Hand combat expert, "and the bitch broke it too!"
"What the hell is that pus all over the Chipped Beef", queried the Team Leader.
"Looks like Zombie pus Sir", said the Hazmat specialist.
"Lock and Load", barked the Team Leader, "we've got Zeds in the perimeter" he continued.
With perfect military precision the team swept their base and found nothing. Well maybe perfect was the wrong word to use, you see the Team forgot to check the bedroom. Children if you aren't going to check every room in your base you might as well not check any of them. Nothing good ever comes from doing things half-assed. Make sure you let Mommy and Daddy know how incredibly important it is to be thorough when checking your room for Zombies before they turn off the light and kiss you goodnight. If they won't do that for you every single night, they clearly don't love you enough, and only keep you around to be Zombie bait.
"I'm gonna turn in", said the Team Leader, "You two take the first watch, and I'll relieve you in 3 hours" he barked as he made his way to his bunk.
"Yes Sir!" said the Hazmat specialist and Hand to Hand expert.
The Team Leader sat down in his bunk and began to get undressed. He was so tired and so bleary eyed he didn't even notice Gorypox sleeping in the bunk adjacent to his. Hearing the sound of a magazine being withdrawn from a weapon caused Gorypox to awake with a startle. She spotted the Team Leader in an instant and her hunger quickly overtook her. Before he even knew what was going on, Gorypox had ripped open the Team Leader's skull and was devouring his brains.
"These Brains are too hard", Gorypox whined. She was so hungry yet the Team Leader's brains were impossible to eat. What was left of Gorypox's teeth just couldn't break through to the delicious Diencephalon she so desperately wanted to consume.
Every little Zombie knows the Diencephalon is the best part of all. Dejected and frustrated Gorypox laid back down in the bunk and immediately fell back to sleep. She was really, really hungry, and really, really tired.
Meanwhile in the Kitchen the Hazmat specialist couldn't help but think he had heard something coming from the bedroom. "I think I heard something and I'm gonna go check it out", he said "if you don't hear from me in 15 minutes come looking for me", he finished. "Synchronize your watches on my mark", he commanded. "Mark", he barked.
"Mark" said the Hand to Hand expert as he set his watch and returned to picking his teeth with his favorite blade.
The Hazmat specialist was sure he had heard a ruckus coming from the bedroom so he immediately went to check it out. Imagine his surprise Children when he saw the Team Leader splayed out in his bunk like a slaughtered hog. The Team Leader's half eaten brain was on the nightstand next to his bunk, and his guts were strung all over the place like spiderwebs made from small intestines. Ask Mommy and Daddy to show you what that looks like.
Hearing the sound of another human voice caused Gorypox to light up like a Christmas tree. She sprang from her bunk like a hungry jaguar and was on Hazmat specialist before he could let out a scream. Gorypox peeled off his helmet and Gas Mask like a monkey peels a banana, and dug into his skull like a fat kid digs into an Ice Cream Sundae. Eating too many Ice Cream Sundaes will make you fat and unable to run away from Zombies Children so tell Mommy and Daddy you want a cup of frozen yogurt instead.
It was no wonder this human had to wear a helmet all the time she thought to herself. His brains were like mush. Every time she tried to take a bite they just dribbled from her mouth onto the floor. She would need a straw to eat these brains, and she didn't have one. Poor lil Gorypox. With her belly still grumbling, Gorypox laid down and went back to sleep in her bunk.
Back in the kitchen, the Hand to Hand expert stopped picking his teeth and checked his synchronized watch. He noticed that the 15 minutes had come and gone and there was still no sign of the Hazmat specialist. Grabbing his favorite knife in his favorite hand, he decided it was time to go find out for himself what the hell was going on. Something was wrong, and while he couldn't put his finger on what it was, he didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit.
The Hand to Hand expert entered the bedroom and the sight that met his eyes made him double over and puke his guts out. Every single last bit of the Chipped Beef he had eaten was now on the floor. Even little bits of the toast he has used to soak up the gravy. It didn't smell very nice either. Not very nice at all.
There in his bunk was the Team Leader who was gutted like a hog. If you don't know what a gutted hog looks like Children, have Mommy or Daddy Google it for you so you can see for yourself. I think you'll like what you see.
Next to him on the floor beside his own bunk was the Hazmat specialist. The Hazmat specialist's head had been peeled like a banana and there were mushy brains smeared all over his helmet and gas mask. It was bad, really bad, but the worst was yet to come. You see children, when the Hand to Hand expert finally got done throwing up his supper he realized that someone had been in his bunk too, and they were still there!
"Identify yourself!" he shouted in terror as he wiped the last of the puke from his chin and drew his knife in a protective stance.
Hearing the sound of yet another human voice so soon after the last one startled Gorypox awake once more. "Braaiinns!" groaned Gorypox as she leaped upon the the Hand to Hand expert. He slashed away at her with all his might, but to no avail. It was simply no use, for you see Gorypox's hunger had given her near super human strength and despite being slashed nearly to ribbons Gorypox tore into the Hand to Hand expert's skull like a hot knife through butter. Like I said earlier, Gorypox was really, really hungry.
"OMG!" screeched Gorypox in delight, "These brains are just right!" At last Gorypox had found the perfect set of brains to satisfy her overwhelming hunger. She rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a spoon so she could get every single last bit of them. When she scooped out the very last bit of the brains in the Hand to Hand expert's skull she licked her fingers clean, savoring every last delicious morsel. Gorypox was one happy lil Zombie now. With her belly finally full at last, Gorypox laid down for a nice long nap, and dreamed that even more stupid humans would wander into the bedroom.
So Children as you get ready for bed tonight make sure you ask Mommy and Daddy to check every single room in the house to make sure there aren't any hungry, sneaky little Zombies like Gorypox around. You just never know where a clever Zombie might be hiding, and there is nothing we'd like to do more than to strip the flesh from your bones and eat your brains for supper.
While you're at it, you should probably also have Mommy and Daddy take turns sleeping in your bed before you do. Let's face it, they are old and slow and it's better to let the Zombies eat them first so you might have a chance to get away. Sweet dreams Children!
Children if there is a Zombie Fairy Tale you'd like me to tell at some point in the future, please leave your suggestions in the comment section below. -Mister Cantankerous