Gather round Children because it's story time again with your old Unkie Cantankerous. Today's story was requested by little Timmy. Now I am not sure why a little boy would request this particular story, but then we aren't here to judge anyone are we Children? Judging people is what bad people do, and I am sure you are all very delicious, I mean good little Children aren't you?
Like many of Unkie Cantankerous' stories this one is also based on a story by the Brothers Grimm. Truth be told though, I don't think the brothers were nearly grim enough in their story telling. That's where I come in. So grab your snacks and wrap yourselves up like the good lil pigs in a blanket that I am sure you all taste like, and let's start today's story.
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Rosie Rapunzowitz. Rosie lived with her Step Mom on the edge of the deep dark forest. You know now that I think of it, it was the same deep dark forest that Harold and Gracie lived on the edge of as well. Do you remember that story boys and girls? Maybe they were neighbors, who knows?
Anyways, Rosie lived with her Step Mom like I said, because her Dad was dead. It seems Rosie's Dad once worked as a HazMat Expert for some outfit called Survival Team Beta. One day while at work there was a horrible accident and Rosie's Dad didn't make it out alive.
Things like this happen in these kind of stories all the time Children, so it was no great surprise to anyone. Least of all to Rosie's Step Mom. You see Rosie's Step Mom was now collecting a pretty nice death benefit every month and when she wasn't cashing checks she was busy chasing after younger men like the Cougar that she was. So far as she was concerned being a widow wasn't something to complain about. Children If you don't know what a Death Benefit or a Cougar is be sure to ask Mommy and Daddy. I am sure they can explain it to you better than me.
Well ever since her Daddy's death, Rosie's Cougar Step Mom had become fixated on how she could cash in on the large insurance policy she had taken out on Rosie after Rosie's Dad had passed away. You see Children, when you're a Cougar having a young girl around can really cramp your style. That and Cougar Step Mom's Botox injections weren't exactly gonna pay for themselves now were they? Then one day Rosie's Step Mom finally figured out how to be rid of Rosie once and for all. "Meowrz!" she said. That's what a Cougar says when they have a really good idea.
Cougar Step Mom knew that Rosie loved Truffles more than anything else in the whole world. I guess it was some foodie fad all the hip kids were into back in those days. To be honest I don't care for them myself, and you probably wouldn't like them either. They are kinda yucky. Now if I recall correctly this plan that Cougar Step Mom was concocting sounded a lot like the same plan that Harold and Gracie's parents tried in that other story, and we all know how that worked out for them.
Anyways, Rosie's Step Mom suggested that Rosie take a basket and go out into the deep dark forest and gather some truffles for supper. Naturally Rosie jumped at the chance to have her favorite food for dinner, instead of the Fish Head soup Cougar Step Mom normally fed her. So she grabbed her kerchief and basket and was off in a flash.
See Children, what poor Rosie didn't know, but her Step Mom did, was that the deep dark forest was full of Zombies. Rosie's Cougar Step Mom figured it wouldn't take long for a Zombie to catch wind of Rosie's scent as she pranced through the forest, and then that Zombie would be on poor Rosie like a fat kid on an ice cream sundae, and we all know how fast that is don't we? No muss, no fuss, a quick call to the cops and her insurance broker and she would be in the money again, with no one the wiser.
Well wouldn't you know it, but her planned worked...sort off. A Zombie did catch wind of Rosie pretty quickly, and that Zombie took a big chuck out of her, but I don't think the end result was what Rosie's Cougar Step Mom had in mind. You see Children, instead of Rosie dying, Rosie became a Zombie herself. Just like that! Being a Zombie sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it Children? Would you like to try it?
Anyways, when Rosie didn't return home for supper that night with the truffles Rosie's Cougar Step Mom knew her plan had worked. At least she thought it had. So the very next morning she called the cops and then she called her insurance broker and filed her claim. Weeks later the check came in the mail and Rosie's Step Mom was painting the town red with it. Life was good, or so she thought.
Many, many months later there came a knock at the front door. Imagine the look on Cougar Step Mom's face when she saw Zombie Rosie standing in the doorway wanting to come in. You see Children, we Zombies don't move all that fast so it took all this time for poor Zombie Rosie to find her way home again.
Well this certainly wouldn't do thought Rosie's Step Mom. Insurance fraud was a major felony in Fairy Tale land, and Rosie's Cougar Step Mom had no plans on spending the rest of her days locked up in the pokey, so she had to think of something fast. Then it dawned on her. "Meowrz" she said, because she had another idea, and as you know now, that's what Cougars say when they have a really good idea.
"I'll lock you up in that silly old Watchtower that your silly old Father built in the backyard" she said. "I'll gut out the stairs, and brick up the doorway, and no one will be the wiser" she screeched as she glared at Zombie Rosie in disgust. "No one will ever miss you silly little Rosie Rotpunzel" she hissed.
And that Children is exactly what Cougar Step Mom did. She lured Rosie up to the top of the watchtower with some bacon, then she hacked up the stairs with an axe, and bricked up the doorway. Poor Rosie Rotpunzel was now trapped forever at the top of her Father's old watchtower, never to be heard from again. Poor, poor Rosie Rotpunzel.
Years passed, and Rosie's Step Mom lived the high life, binge drinking and chasing men that were way too young for her, right up until the day she died. She never gave Rosie another thought, and neither did anyone else for that matter. More years passed and soon the little house on the edge of the deep dark forest where Rosie and her Cougar Step Mom once lived fell into ruins. In time all that was left was the silly old abandoned watchtower itself.
Many, many years later a young man named Bubba Bigelow was passing through an old graveyard on his nightly patrol for Zombies, and he spied some strange writing on one of the tombstones. You see Bubba was a Zombie Hunter and back in those days Zombie Hunting was a really good living. Especially if you lived in the vicinity of the deep dark forest. Bubba wasn't very bright though, so he had to kind of sound out the words he was reading in order to understand them. Bubba was a bit of a mouth breathing troglodyte. I'm sure Children you've heard Mommy call Daddy that before.
"For a guud time go C Rot punzall in the Uld Watch Towur" he stammered.
It took a few minutes but eventually Bubba realized what these words meant, and he got kind of excited. You see Children, ever since the Zombie Apocalypse Bubba hadn't been getting much action. If you don't understand what I mean by action then be sure to ask your Mommy and Daddy about that. Anyways, the thought of getting some action made made Bubba very, very excited. Excited in the special way that a young man gets when he can't stop thinking about getting some action. Again, have Mommy or Daddy explain that to you.
Bubba knew about the old watchtower because he had heard stories about it from other Zombie hunters. So he grabbed his gear and started running for the old tower, as fast as his three legs would carry him. Yep, for some reason now Bubba had 3 legs instead of just two. Again, you'll have to ask your Daddy about that one Children. I'm sure he'd be happy to explain that for you.
"I am up here" she replied from atop the watchtower.
"WTF?" thought Bubba. "How the hell am I supposed to get up there" he yelled. "How the heck did you get up there girl?" he pondered aloud.
You see even though Bubba was as dumb as a post, even he could see that the stairs were long gone and the door way was overgrown with vines and mortar. He couldn't figure out for the life of him how he was gonna get some action from a girl who was so close yet still so far away up in a stupid tower he had no way of climbing. His third leg wasn't making matters any easier either. Not any easier at all!
"Just a sec" said Rotpunzel as she began to lower her hair from the window to the ground below.
You see Children, this is probably something you don't know about dead people, but when you die your hair and fingernails keep growing for a while, and when you're a Zombie like Rosie Rotpunzel they keep growing forever. Pretty cool huh kids? Well you can imagine how long Rotpunzel's hair was after all these years of being locked in that tower. She had tons and tons and tons of hair, and she had fastened it into a single braid that was as strong as any rope in the land. Maybe even stronger.
"I'm coming Rotpunzel, I'm coming!" yelled Bubba as he climbed higher and higher.
"Typical Man" pondered Rotpunzel. "Always coming too soon" she thought to herself with an evil cackle. If you don't understand what Rotpunzel was talking about, be sure to go ask Mommy.
Well before long Bubba reached the window of the tower and climbed inside. I am sure you can imagine Bubba's shock, terror and dismay when he saw Zombie Rotpunzel standing before him instead of some slutty gal out looking for a good time with the first guy to come along and tug her hair. Clearly Bubba wasn't going to be getting the kind of action he had hoped for. No he wasn't going to get any action at all. Poor, poor Bubba Bigelow, no action for you.
You see Children, Rotpunzel was all over him like a cheap suit before poor Bubba Bigelow could even reach for his trusty sidearm. Yep no action for poor Bubba, but lucky Rotpunzel got exactly the kind of action she was hoping for, and it was very tasty, or so I hear. Very tasty indeed!
"Works like a charm every single time" she said to herself as she finished off the last of what was once Bubba Bigelow the Zombie hunter.
You see Children, the person who left that strange message on the tombstone in the graveyard that Bubba Bigelow found was Rotpunzel herself. She had left similar messages in all the graveyards for miles and miles around. With hair as long and as tough as a rope she could come and go from that old watchtower anytime she wanted to. Rotpunzel was smart though, she knew what a good racket she had going, and her damsel looking for a good time routine had provided her with many great meals over the decades. Some great meals indeed!
If she had learned nothing else from her Step Mom the Cougar, Rotpunzel had learned that young men with three legs like Bubba Bigelow were always a sucker for some easy action, and that made them easy prey. A sucker is something that is born every minute Children. If you don't understand what I mean, just ask your Dad how he met your Mommy.
Children if there is a Zombie Fairy Tale you'd like me to tell at some point in the future, please leave your suggestions in the comment section below. -Mister Cantankerous